This series originally started as a project on Reddit. As we transition into creating more of our own content, we decided to make sure all of our Bible Studies were archived here on our site. You can find the original Bible Study posts here.
Happy New Year, everyone and welcome back to Bible Study! (If you're not sure what I'm talking about, please check out our first Bible Study.) This time we have decided to try the Sacred Writing Practice--essentially, a ten-minute free write where we let our thoughts on our randomly assigned line take us where they will.
Today, we are looking at Fever Part 1, Page: 01 Hong Joong “I don't want to be forgotten as if I never existed"
01: what are your thoughts on the page?
GD: I was about to make a structural gripe about their numbering situation, because they call this section/chapter 1, and the intro was A, and I thought it would be very silly to have an A intro and a B outro and have those be the only letters. But the outro is Z, which is actually very clever and continues to reaffirm that they put a lot of thought and care into how they put this out to the world.
BobbyJ: With writing practice, do we start with general thoughts like with reading?
GD: Yes, I think so. Loosen the mind, ready it for the secrets. What are your thoughts?
BobbyJ: Overall, I wonder if Hongjoong has been rejected or just disregarded by his family. It feels like perhaps the latter? Or maybe something less intentional. Like his family have become wrapped up in busyness. Which would tie back into the intro with the critique of adulthood.
GD: Hongjoong's page brings up a lot of questions for me. The "if my family could get back together like before" in particular. It makes me wonder what happened to them. Also the line, "I wish I could meet them at least once"--to me, it's not clear who he's talking about. When I read his page, it seems hungry to me. Like he's starving for something, but even he isn't sure what that something is. It's also notable to me that he calls two groups of people his family--what I assume is his original family and his new found family--so that it makes the last line less clear too. "My family, the music I love, and our dreams. . . I must keep them." I assume he means his new found family there, but it's not necessarily straightforward.
BobbyJ: I think given that the line about “meeting them” is sandwiched between two references to his original family, it seems reasonable to assume that’s who he’s talking about. At least on some level, his pursuit of fame isn’t about the fame itself but about making himself more visible to his family.
GD: I thought he was talking about his family too, but I guess that gives me even more questions. If he doesn't see them at all, what does that mean about what happened to him and his family? I think we're supposed to assume these are high school students, so the implication is that he's living away from them, unable to access them.
BobbyJ: He doesn’t seem to even know where they are. Otherwise, why couldn’t he just visit?
GD: Yes or he could orchestrate some sort of chance meeting.
BobbyJ: I did once have a rather wild theory about this.
GD: Please share.
BobbyJ: Without being able to explain why, somehow Hongjoong gets sent back in time alone, perhaps in a different dimension. So, his old family he’s referring to are actually his old Ateez. If they were lost in time, it would explain why he couldn’t meet them. However, the theory kind of falls apart in many places. How would being on tv help him if they’re not in the same dimension? Where’s the Hongjoong of this dimension?
GD: An understandable theory given the "I am sure that we live under the same sky and under the same world" (a beautiful sentence that I love by the way) because I think the line sort of sets you up to question whether that's actually true. But I think it's more about the continuing themes of isolation Hongjoong feels--he's alone from his family and unlike the people he sees.
BobbyJ: I do get stuck on “under the same world.”
GD: Before he meets Ateez, who is he actually with? Where is he living? Does he go to school? I had always thought of Hongjoong's story as one of the least sad/compelling ones. Callous of me probably, but I was always like, so what, he doesn't get along with his family. Who does? But re-reading it, it's a lot more than that isn't it? He is separated from them in what appears to be a pretty painful way.
BobbyJ: The school uniforms of Inception would suggest they do go to school at least.
GD: I am not convinced any imagery in music videos means a single thing.
BobbyJ: Fair.
GD: Perhaps school uniforms are just symbolic of other things.
BobbyJ: But Mingi specifically calls himself a high school student.
GD: Okay, good. Then he is not completely alone and isolated even if he feels that way. But going back to what you said, it seems like what he wants more than anything is to be noticed and to be noticed specifically by this family that has "scattered around". So it's interesting to me that he is not shrugging off his old family in favor of his new family--he still wants the old one. He also specifically mentions the warmth of their living room, which is an interesting way to describe anything in this world given what we know about how the people in it and the adults are viewed.
BobbyJ: So, he seems to have had a happy childhood at least?
GD: That's what it feels like--at least that's what the word warmth implies to me.
BobbyJ: If he misses his family so much, describes their home as warm, there must have been a time together when they were all happy.
GD: And that the warmth was in the living room, the shared communal space.
BobbyJ: Kind of like the warehouse. With his new family. I’m ahead of myself, but this explains why he’s the last one in the warehouse at the end.
GD: It makes me wonder what went so wrong though. Because to have something like that, and have it taken away from you, yeah that would be really, really painful. I also feel like there is some foreshadowing here in his eventual rise as captain. He knows what it's like to be a part of a happy and warm family, so of course he should be the one to make sure this new family stays together. He can't let what happened to his other family happen again. At the very least, it seems like his old family is still alive. So whatever went wrong wasn't a death or loss in that sense.
BobbyJ: It’s extremely unclear. I can only imagine death or poverty would cause them to all split up. But there’s no mention of either. And they use poverty pretty heavily in Mingi’s story. I think though that it important to keep in mind that some things are left out for a reason. Why Hongjoong’s family is gone is not the point. If it were, they would have made it clear. It could be all sorts of terrible things, but the point is how it affects Hongjoong and motivates his actions later on.
GD: I am struck by the opening line here--the idea that he doesn't want to be forgotten--and the fact that he, in turn, has not forgotten the warmth of his family. In a way, it's like as long as he lives and remembers, that warmth and family continues to exist in some way. It was real. It did exist. Just like he does.
BobbyJ: If it existed once, it could exist again. And that’s what he’s going to fight for someday.
GD: Back to your clown theory--the word "scattered" to describe what happened to his family. An interesting choice.
BobbyJ: It’s an odd choice. Like it was against their will.
GD: I don't really have further thoughts on it, but it does feel Important. And it's also a word I feel like I've seen used in their lore before? Maybe in the diary film?
BobbyJ: Not important now but speaking it into existence for later. Hongjoong is not really a strong leader in the Fever diaries
GD: Yeah, I think we will get a chance to dissect where some leadership went wrong. Real quick before we move to our bible study practice--we didn't talk about the picture last time, but I feel like this one deserves a mention. Hongjoong staring at screens showing two examples of their favorite imagery feels pretty important. But the screens themselves work as a metaphorical representation of being cut off from something--literally on the other side of it. And then on at least some of the screens there is fire and water, both of which play real heavy into general ateez imagery.
BobbyJ: Is that one repeated screen a sunset or a forest fire?
GD: I think it's a sunset, but I can't be sure. A sunset would be poignant--the closing of one chapter as a new one opens.
BobbyJ: Or perhaps a Sunrise?
GD: A sunrise, even more poignant. Notably, the people he says he's watching on the screens are no where to be seen.
BobbyJ: They too have abandoned him. It gives a very unsettling feeling. Like a bad dream where things are just slightly incorrect.
GD: And the way his hand is resting on the screens? And his reflection staring back at him? It feels almost heartbreakingly lonely and cold. Even the blue of his hair adds to the coldness in the picture.
BobbyJ: Reinforces the isolation.
GD: Absolutely. Any other thoughts before we try our hand at the sacred writing practice?
BobbyJ: I don’t think so.
02: sacred practice
GD: Alright, well our random number generator has really given us a wild line to work with. It said line 5, which I interpret as
"Once I become a bright star that can be seen from everywhere, like those people on TV, will my family notice me?”
BobbyJ: Oh wow
GD: So basically, we will both write on our own using our own ten minute timer. The goal is not to write something good, but to see where your thoughts take you after you read the line.
[Ten minutes later. . . ]
GD: I am finished, and I don't think I've achieved enlightenment.
BobbyJ: I had a single thought. And a lot of blather.
GD: I had many thoughts, none of them great, and also a lot of blather. Would you like to share yours first or would you like me to share mine? I feel like mine is very long, but perhaps that's just because I'm not used to doing this sort of thing typing.
BobbyJ: I’ll get my one out of the way. Do you just want the doc for you to experience the glory first hand? Mine is short because I kept staring into the void.
GD: We can discuss why that happened, and maybe find the path to enlightenment is through the void, which would be fun too.
BobbyJ's Sacred Writing Practice: Yikes. I know I literally said it probably doesn’t matter, but I can’t help but wonder what happened and why Hongjoong thinks that being a performer on TV might make his family notice him. Would it be money related? If he’s famous he has money and can take care of them? Family relationships are always tricky at best. It’s like kids are often frustrated by their parents and feel they are out of touch but they also want their approval. The “bright star that can be seen from everywhere” reminds me of something Seonghwa would say. Also of Star 1117. Also the idea of a guiding star (the story of the wisemen traveling to see Jesus comes to mind, ‘tis the season). Additionally, sailors traditionally navigate by the stars. So, getting ahead of myself as I always do, Hongjoong does become a guiding star for his new family. As a leader in reality, he guides and directs the team. He’s the reason they exist as they do in the first place. Within the narrative, I know that we eventually will see Hongjoong rise up and take hold of the leadership role. I do wonder if that will be included in the MVs we’ll get. I think we see a bit of it in Guerrilla? I just watched it so it should be fresh in my mind. But my brain is drawing a blank. He is the first member we see–gives the feeling of being an instigator. He does have the armband in Guerrilla. This isn’t the first MV for that, right? He had it in The Real and Deja Vu? Maybe? But I don’t trust the MVs to be honest. I think we’ve yet to see that moment where Hongjoong steps up. And I hope that we get to witness it. Less than 25 hours left. I’ve officially lost the plot of this writing exercise.
GD: Interestingly, I think your main thought about the stars is very similar to one of my thoughts too. I hadn't considered that he does become a guiding star for his new family, and I think that's right--though not in a way he's expecting. I agree with you though--this idea that he wants to be like the people on tv--it's hard to deal with. He doesn't say he wants to be a leader or powerful. He wants to be a star. When you were writing and you stared into the void, what was it that you struggled with?
BobbyJ: Usually chewing on the one thought repeatedly? Also not having words because I'm quite tired. And not in a creative way. A my brain is done way.
GD: Mmm yes. I found that I got really stuck on the star bit as well in my own writing. I got very circular.
GD's Sacred Writing Practice: I think this sentence more than any other in the passage was the one that stuck out to me as hunger. I think in a lot of Ateez’s lyrics there is this push and pull between desire and happiness? Happiness isn’t really the right word, but I can’t think of the right word so it will have to do. But there is often an idea that the desire can be all consuming, can take over from your more noble pursuits that maybe ignited your original desire. I think we’re seeing the seeds of that here. His desire to be a bright star is clear, and I guess the question is how far will he take it. When I think of stars on TV or celebrities in general, I guess I think they’re beloved, even if that’s not strictly true. But there is this image in my head that someone on TV is beloved by others, and that’s what it feels like this Hongjoong wants. He wants to be beloved, and at this point, he wants that from his family. But what if his family never notices him? When will it be enough? Will he just need more and more and more until his family can’t ignore him anymore? He isn’t sure, right? For him, it’s a question–will they notice me then? And there’s a danger to that that he’s sort of hurtling towards. The use of the word star is also interesting to me for different reasons. I guess when I think of bright stars in the night sky, I think of people using them long ago to find their path in life. Stars can offer direction, help tell time and seasons. They can act as a guide, and so a part of me wonders if Hongjoong’s family scattered apart because of this terrible adulthood in this world, and he wants to be the thing that guides them back together. Like, at first, they followed the false gods and stars of society, but he wants his family to turn back to him and follow him.
BobbyJ: This idea that he wants to feel "beloved" or to feel loved is interesting and strikes me as a not great reason to be a star? But it makes sense because if he's been in some way rejected by his family, he needs to fill that void somehow. But he does say that he loves the music as well. So, I guess it's both.
GD: Well I think that is something that sticks out to me--he says the people on tv, but it's not clear that he's talking about musicians. Perhaps it's a cultural thing, but if someone says "the people on TV" to me, I assume they mean television stars, as in the star in a series on television. And there's no indication that this Hongjoong has any interest in acting--only music.
BobbyJ: He does say "dancing under the bright lights." Light seems to be a little bit of a theme in this entry.
GD: It does; it's repeated in several places and even some of the other words not necessarily light related remind me of phrases we use when talking about light, like "scatter," "warm."
BobbyJ: The mention of the sky reminds me of light as well.
GD: Which, is an interesting contradiction, since the overall feeling is very isolated and I often think of light being... not that. Words utterly failed me at the end of that sentence.
BobbyJ: Even metaphorically being so bright his family has to pay attention to him. I even think of the light coming from the TV screens. This is a stretch. . . but, being under a spotlight is not always a good thing. Because it can illuminate our flaws or things we want to keep hidden. So in a way light can be cold and isolating. I don't think that's necessarily relevant here? But a thought. Words are hard.
GD: It's a thought I like. I suppose something that's sort of ironic about my thoughts that the stars are beloved is that more often than not they are beloved for a version of themselves that isn't real and true and the real them is actually not known. So while they look beloved, they're quite alone as far as real human connection goes.
BobbyJ: I was sitting here thinking "well yes, because the starlight we see is like thousands of years old by the time we see it. . . " But yes. Also human stars are not always showing their true selves.
GD: So in some ways, the act of being a star is an act of concealing your current state, showing an image that doesn't exist. I feel like I'm on the verge of enlightenment, but sadly won't be able to break the wall and grasp it today. Perhaps when we take a look at Seonghwa and what he's up to next week.
BobbyJ: I think enlightenment comes when we can put some puzzle pieces together. I feel like there should be a section where we make connections to previous entries. Mental murder boards, so to speak.
GD: Would you like that to be added in? The nice thing about our Sunday school is we can really do whatever we want here in this church that we built.
BobbyJ: Maybe? I feel like we'll naturally do it as we go, but maybe there should be a double-check question.
03: mental murder board
GD: Do you see any other connections with past entries that you'd like to discuss? This could also be a prediction section.
BobbyJ: As in what does this mean for the larger/future narrative?
GD: Perhaps.
BobbyJ: Hmmm. Well, we already talked a bit about the isolation which will continue to be a theme in part 1. The vibe of Hongjoong's entry is quite different from the first. Even though this is after he's already met the other members. So his bleakness stems from him missing his original family still.
GD: Of disconnect, I think the prior entry felt much more hopeful and like a more real utopia had been found. Where this one almost has a feeling of happy enough for now.
BobbyJ: The utopia already has some issues
GD: And we're only on our first boy. It makes me wonder if there's something to the fact that Hongjoong had experienced a prior "utopia" with his family and had it taken away... like maybe he doesn't really trust this fully.
04: closing
Thank you for joining us for our second week of Bible study! Please feel free to share your own Deep Clowntiny Thoughts below.
We will be back next Sunday with a transcription of our discussion for the next page.
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