[Note: This series originally started as a project on Reddit, and we are archiving the posts here on our site. You can find the original Bible Study posts here.]
Today, we're diving into San's page and finally getting to tackle Bible Study's most haunting question: what is Bobo?
I don't know (is the title of the page, but also probably our take away)
01: What are your thoughts on the page?
BobbyJ: This one is so relatable it's painful
GD: Oh, interesting! We will come at it from different perspectives then, because it's not really relatable at all to me
BobbyJ: I moved around a lot growing up. So the dad saying they would have to move again is uncomfortably familiar
GD: My parents have lived in the same house since I was 2, and they still live there. But the thing that really sticks out to me is the first line that he was always laughing, but he felt lonely. It feels to me that San is not a kid who would struggle to make friends if only given a real chance to do so
BobbyJ: It seems to imply that he's dissatisfied with surface-level friendships
GD: It's interesting too that he says "I knew right off the bat, they're like me" when describing his new friends. Is he recognizing that they all feel lonely in some way? or is it some other likeness?
BobbyJ: What he says about Hwa feels a bit odd to me
GD: Well what he says about Hwa is at odds with the Hwa we know and met a couple of pages ago
BobbyJ: Right. I'm trying to marry the two images together and not quite getting there. Unless it's implying that Hwa has progressed quite a bit since that snowy road incident
GD: The Hwa we met was just breaking out of his expectation prison, and this seems like a changed Hwa, who is actually free. It is hard because we do not know how much time has passed since the snowy road. But it does read as if Hwa has transformed, and it seems like maybe that transformation happened prior to meeting them in the Warehouse
You know, last week we talked about how Yeo may have found what he was looking for in the Warehouse but was not ready to accept it? I have a related thought
Hwa had already made his choice to change prior to finding the warehouse, so once he's there, he's ready to claim it fully.
BobbyJ: That would explain why Hwa, as a character, fades very much into the background in the later diaries. He doesn't have as much character growth because he's already grown so much here at the start
GD: It's almost as if his character arc completed prior to the story really starting. Which is an interesting narrative choice
BobbyJ: It makes sense though. You can't have a friend group where everyone is an emotional mess. Someone needs to be reliable
GD: And we see here that San is finding inspiration from Seonghwa to start his own character journey
BobbyJ: The thing is, San's struggle is external. He has a family, he seems emotionally stable. He's having a perfectly normal reaction to an external situation. If it weren't for his family moving, I think he'd be perfectly fine. So, I wonder what exactly the solution to his issue is. Just growing up? Being magically transported to an alternate dimension? Like, he's lonely because he keeps having to start over with making friends, but he keeps doing it over and over again
GD: I guess this gives me two related thoughts--what is Seonghwa's way? and what is San's way?
BobbyJ: Hwa's struggle was feeling pressured to achieve, to be perfect. It was he who was keeping himself trapped for all we know. So was that not his way?
GD: Related: is San an adult? Can he just leave his family and stay with his friends? Is that a viable option to him? Because you're right; his situation is not an internal flaw that needs to be overcome.
BobbyJ: They are presumably still teens
GD: For Seonghwa, the note that he never did anything 'traditionally' leads me to believe that he's no longer motivated by external achievements because that's what I consider 'traditional'. But, that's just me projecting because I find Seonghwa's story to be the most relatable. As you point out, we have no idea why Seonghwa was the way he was or how he's changed now that he does things his way. Assuming that he's changed at all, and San isn't misreading what Seonghwa's way is (I doubt I'm making any sense)
BobbyJ: Note: this is in 2016. So Hwa and Joong are around 18, the 99z are around 17 and baby Jongho is 16 (international ages)
GD: A BABY. Babies all of them. but especially Jongho. Another note: Ateez My Way English Translation I feel the need to read this.
BobbyJ: Getting ahead, but why's he trying to get on a national team at 16?
GD: This seems relevant:
When endless questions and countless standards make a mess It's okay to skip it, but today purely congratulate My, no our first step, oh
BobbyJ: I was just looking at that
GD: WHAT A GOOD SONG. Reading it in this context made me tear up a bit.
BobbyJ:
So when the memories that stood by me Start to collapse one by one And I thought everything around me would disappear I don't look back
GD: They're all fighting very hard here in this first Fever book. They're fighting in different ways and for different things, but all fighting none the less.
BobbyJ: Little baby warriors
GD: The memories bit is interesting because I can think of a couple of interpretations
BobbyJ: I've been trying to figure out why it feels so familiar. Like immediately familiar but I can't place it. Something about memories fading away. idk
GD: One is seeing memories in a new light. Almost like the washing away of a story we've told ourselves. I think Yeosang and his parents might be a good example here.
BobbyJ: Like rewriting our truths. New paradigms. Speaking of, we should also have a spiritual reading of Paradigm
GD: A good idea. I feel like I'm forgetting a lore thing in a different diary book and I am tempted to look for it but I won't. But, doesn't strictland/ the android guardians do something with memories?
BobbyJ: Yes. They burn them
GD: And that's what makes the yellow mist? So the line could also have the direct lore connection of the memories being literally burned
BobbyJ: It seems that it's both emotions and memories that are burned and turned to some type of energy that can be sold. Yes, the yellow smoke is a byproduct of the burning
GD: And one more thought on the memory line. . . No I've changed my mind. I think it was too similar to my first thought. Something about memories we once loved becoming painful when the source of those memories is gone
BobbyJ: Ah--a connection to Yunho. But I do think there's a difference between erasing a memory because it's too painful and erasing it because it's false
GD: Right, so maybe it was three thoughts in the end
BobbyJ: I do think that San recognizes that the other boys are also struggling/lonely in their own ways. Or perhaps he sees the same passion in them that he has. I said before that San didn't have a previous connection to music, but now I don't think that's true. He says that with the boys he is able to perfect his dance moves. Seems to suggest that he was already interested in dance
GD: I agree. It's hard to know how big the interest was though. It's mentioned quickly in a line, so it doesn't really make it clear if dancing and music was his dream prior to meeting the rest of the boys, or if it was just something that he enjoyed
BobbyJ: We get so little background, so it's hard to tell. It's not farfetched to say that meeting certain people can help us figure out what our passions actually are. And it's a very different experience to go from enjoying something alone to enjoying it with a group of people
GD: I have always thought that real Hongjoong liked dancing, but it wasn't his true passion behind being an idol, and I guess a lot of these entries make me think the same thing about these boys. Like Hongjoong of the diaries wants to be a star, and Yunho wants to make his brother's dreams come true, and San wants to have togetherness. To me, Seonghwa and Yeosang are the two who seem like dancing is The Thing
BobbyJ: It's like for all of them, dancing represents something else though. Hwa wanted the dancing for freedom. Maybe Yeo too. For Hongjoong it was a path to stardom and recognition from his family. For Yunho it was a way to remember his brother, or bring his brother back. And for San it's connection to the others. Like, if they were deeply into finger painting, would that have also become San's thing?
GD: I sort of think so? And if the girl had been freely finger painting in front of Seonghwa, that too might be his tie to freedom. But I do think Hwa wants freedom, and he ties dancing to it. That's why I said it was the dancing, but you're right: what he wants is freedom. Dancing is just a way to represent that
BobbyJ: An unrelated note, but I want to track if San shows particular perceptiveness in future diaries. I need to speak it into existence or I will forget
GD: Should we talk about Bobo? Or should we just... leave it
BobbyJ: What is there to say?
GD: No you're right. I have no idea.
BobbyJ: I was thinking about this last night, but actual names are rare in the diaries. Ateez all have names and Henry Jo--everyone else has something akin to a name that is not an actual name. Left Eye feels like a nickname. The Grimes siblings are only known by their family name, Z is just a letter. Then we have A(31), B(28) and C(21). Yunho's brother is unnamed. We don't know who the mysterious girl is. So many people without names. . . and yet here comes Bobo.
GD: Here's my problem with Bobo on a narrative level
BobbyJ: I have several problems with Bobo on multiple levels–primarily that Bobo is what I used to call this annoying guy in college
GD: In a normal story, I would take the existence of a make believe friend, which I have to assume is what Bobo is because Bobo is just suddenly sprung into existence as a person San is talking to, as evidence that a person was lonely. And San is lonely, so that works on a totally sound level. My issue is that all of them are lonely. So what are they trying to communicate to me about San through Bobo's existence?
BobbyJ: But we find out later that Wooyoung helps save Bobo from a fall from a cliff or a rock or something. And San is 17. He is too old for imaginary friends, lonely or otherwise
GD: So is it a pet?
BobbyJ: Maybe it's meant to be a Byeol stand-in?
GD: (I can explain away Wooyoung saving Bobo if Bobo resides in the body of a stuffed animal)
BobbyJ: He's the only one that has a famous pet. So is Bobo Shiber?
GD: I always assumed Bobo was Shiber. I found out much later that was an assumption and not fact. But if you had asked me a year ago, I would've confidently told you that Bobo was his stuffed animal and that the diaries definitely said that with words
BobbyJ: I feel both a bit better and also a little weirder if Bobo is Shiber. Better because I don't like that a pet would have fallen off a cliff or whatever because I don't enjoy animals in peril. But weirder, a little icky, because San, though he did cart Shiber all around LA, has worked hard to leave that image of himself behind. So, I don't know how I feel about it being written into the lore
GD: Shiber also incredibly famous and brought up all the time though, especially by the members who get great joy out of mentioning it in interviews
BobbyJ: True. And I don't think he loses sleep over it
GD: I've come to something. I think I like it as a not real creature better than a pet because, if they are all lonely and San is the only one to take up the habit of talking to stuffed animals as if they are people, then it tells us that he's quite desperate for a deeper connection with anyone basically. Much more so than the other boys. And it also tells us that he does need to grow up a bit and figure out what his way is. It makes him almost a little emotionally stunted because of the lack of meaningful connections in his life, so a gradual trusting that Ateez will stay with him means a gradual letting go of this childhood toy. If it's a pet, I'm not sure it has much thematic resonance. It's all very normal for people to talk to and care a lot about their pets.
BobbyJ: The toy would have been a constant in his life, unlike all his temporary friendships
GD: Which--it's very normal for children to attach themselves to toys, just usually, they grow out of it
BobbyJ: I want to put a pin on that because it's too soon for me to comment. I want to circle back to this once we get to later entries. Like, months from now. Because I have thoughts but they're all based on later occurrences.
GD: Any other thoughts on the entry then? Or should we move to bible study? We're scheduled to build our sermon tonight... so that's pretty horrible for us.
OH.
The picture.
BobbyJ: I can't make heads or tails of the picture. Where is he?
GD: It feels very different than the rest. To me it looks like he's chilling in an office park and it's just so unclear why
BobbyJ: I need a quick religious viewing of the diary film
GD: San is episode 8 of Fever Road...and it's weird
BobbyJ: San’s set is so odd
GD: You should watch it. It's entitled "San's FEVER ROAD"
BobbyJ: Are they implying he lives in a warehouse?
GD: This is all very at odds with fever road and now I feel more confused and perhaps a little distressed
BobbyJ: I solved it
GD: I thought we were getting somewhere
BobbyJ: I'm 90% sure he's sitting at the bottom of an escalator
GD: So he is in an office park? Because what's this escalator even doing here?
BobbyJ: I think it's supposed to be an airport or train station or something
GD: That would make more sense. I'm so confused by how... distressed his appearance is here compared to the nice clean cardigan in fever road. Like he starts with distressed tennis shoes and this sort of dirty shirt.
BobbyJ: Watching Fever Road now
GD: And then it magically transforms into new shoes and a nice cardigan
BobbyJ: Absolutely unrelated but the Cromer sends messages through dreams during the crescent moon. Just a detail I want to remember.
Okay. I think the clean cardigan is perhaps meant to represent his happy memories with the boys? While the dirty clothes are from his moving day. The cracked mirror in the beginning seems like a SMN callback.
GD: It's weird to me that his is the one called fever road
BobbyJ: When he turns and runs back up the escalator, he's obviously making a choice, but what choice exactly?
GD: Like 'Seonghwa's Liberty' absolutely makes sense with Seonghwa's story
BobbyJ: He's in a situation he has no control over
GD: Is he running away?
BobbyJ: Maybe? He's living younger that's why he's fever? Running away would be a pretty immature thing to do, I think
Can I just climb up on a tiny soapbox?
So quickly
GD: Please, I'm ready
BobbyJ: I've seen people mock the English line "Maybe we're living younger, that's why we're fever" and no, it's not perfect English. But don't you understand it completely? Doesn't it still speak to you even though the grammar isn't grammatical? Have the songwriters not still accomplished their purpose? Yes, I know there are English lines that truly make no sense but this–and frankly all of Ateez's English lines–is not one of them.
I understand I am preaching to the choir, but it needed to be said.
GD: A perfect soapbox because I am the most passionate about this. I'd take it even further…
I'm not sure that it's wrong. Why can it not be a metaphor? “We are fever.” That's what I meant to say.
BobbyJ: I feel all these people who mock cringy English lyrics have never actually studied poetry at all
GD: it's a perfectly sound metaphor that works on any number of levels
BobbyJ: Go read some E. E. Cummings and get back to me about grammar
GD: And if you must insist that it's grammatically incorrect, well, grammar has no place in poetry. The point is to understand it, which I do, on a spiritual level.
BobbyJ: This is what I'm trying to tell my children but they keep writing me paragraphs instead of poems. They're all too prosaic. Anyways, it wouldn't be bible study without a tangent
GD: Well, from two English teachers, everyone heard it here first. There's literally nothing wrong with that line.
BobbyJ: Well, since I've warmed up my preacher voice, shall we proceed?
GD: Yes, I suppose it's time. Would you like to go first?
02: Sacred Practice
For our sacred practice today, we are both choosing a line from San's page and building a sermon around it.
GD: I'm sorry I know we've moved on. But I'm now reading the lyrics of Fever, and I just want to say the song is full of metaphor about how they ARE stars. Not that they are like stars, but that they are stars. And I maintain that “we're fever” is a metaphor. Sorry, now proceed with your sermon when you're ready.
BobbyJ: I've chosen my line. I'm going with
"Every time I got closer to someone, I had to move."
In a wild twist no one saw coming, I'm going to lay some actual Bible on you. There's a part somewhere in the New Testament that says "Do not be weary in well doing." We're taught that good things come from doing good things. You make the right choices, you get rewarded. But that's not always how it works. Making friends is a good thing to do, yes? And San keeps doing it. But he doesn't ever reap the rewards because of whatever issue is going on with his family--something out of his control. And I think it would have been very normal for him to give up and close himself off. But he never does, and I find that so admirable. Because doing good may not have an immediate, recognizable payoff. But I think in the grand scheme of things, all those little deposits you've made will eventually return to you in some way.
GD: I actually really like that biblical line. It also reminds me, in a weird and not totally applicable way, of something San said the other day. Something about like, knowing that kind people don't always win, but he hopes that the people who do win are kind? Obviously I'm misquoting him deeply, but the sentiment behind it stuck out to me.
BobbyJ: No, that's basically the gist of what he said.
GD: I think the "do not be weary in well doing" basically sums up the inspiration that I get from Ateez... And I feel like my sermon is about to let the team down because it's not deep at all
BobbyJ: I mean--"be good, y'all" isn't terribly deep. . .
Something about the way Ateez operates makes me feel that they are always making decisions based on a bigger picture. It feels relevant but I can't explain how
GD: I'm going to do:
"I was always laughing but I always felt lonely."
And I had a couple of thoughts about it. And one is sort of the obvious, that we don't know other people's pain based on how they look. We know that it's often the people who joke and laugh the most who are struggling the most. And I think people are quick to judge laughter in a way that we don't judge other things. We judge women who laugh a lot as stupid or ditzy; we judge men by the sound of their laugh. People who laugh a lot are often called annoying or said to not take things seriously. So I think we do a disservice when we look only at people's laughter. And then the other thought I had was basically about how we don't really share our own pain with others--we suffer in silence, assuming that our pain is ours alone to hold, and then we give the best of ourselves to the outside.
Actually, I laugh a lot. In high school, there was the small friend group who really didn't like me, and they often made fun of my laugh. And even though it was like 2-3 people, I remember growing so self conscious. And when I was a literal adult, like 27, one of my friend's moms, when I'd started dating this new guy, she said "What does he think of your laugh?" just out of nowhere.
So when I say I noticeably laugh a lot, it's true. And so I think this line stuck out to me and moved me because it's just really right there in the line. I laughed, but I was lonely. So my sermon would be something like to remember that there are real people behind the laughs that we take and the laughs we are given.
BobbyJ: I have a couple thoughts. I do think that laughter gets judged pretty easily. But I think it's in part because it's a display of emotion that's generally acceptable to show in public. If openly crying in public were a common thing, people would get judged for that too.
This takes me back to our conversation about perfection--it's like anything that veers away from what is considered "normal" gets criticized.
Also, I am the opposite. I internalize everything. The kids at school always talk about how rare it is for me to smile and when I laugh at something they act like I've grown a second head. I've generally always been judged for being snobby, cold, and aloof when in reality I'm just quiet and awkward. It doesn't mean that I'm sad all the time or upset or that I'm not enjoying myself. So I agree that people often don't consider the actual person behind the emotion... if that makes any sense at all.
GD: It reminds me of my Big Thoughts on the concept of Cringe being a capitalist conspiracy to hold back the masses. Because what's more cringey than finding joy openly and often?
BobbyJ: I wonder if it's secretly jealousy. Like, how come this person is so happy when I'm not
GD: The thing about my laugh is that most of the time I don't really find anything funny though. It's more of an awkward tick. When I feel uncomfortable, I laugh a lot, and as a very socially awkward person, I feel uncomfortable in most public spaces. But it's like a defense mechanism? Most people respond well to someone who is smiling and laughing, and so most of my social interactions appear to run smoothly.
And when I was in elementary school, I was really bad about it. I would laugh after I said a sentence, and I would respond to anyone else's sentences that could be considered even a little joking with like, very big laughter. I had to actively think about it to get myself to stop laughing after the things I said.
So you know, I get that it probably could've been annoying to some, but I guess the counter to that is, it's possible we let other people annoy us too easily
BobbyJ: That's certainly true. But I think too that we learn to interpret certain cues in very specific ways. Laughter = funny, joy. So, I might wonder why this person I'm talking to thinks everything I say is hilarious. But isn't that partially on me? Like you said, there could be something else going on behind the laughter. I think it's like we all speak our own language. So when San found the boys, he found someone who finally could speak his language
GD: I want to go to the murder board because I have a related thought that I was saving for the murder board.
BobbyJ: Off we go then
03: Mental Murder Board
GD: San's finding people who speak the same language is at sharp contrast to Yeosang who found boys he'd normally run away from
BobbyJ: This is why I want to track his perceptiveness. He immediately recognized something in them (apparently) that Yeo couldn't see at first
GD: A part of me wonders if it’s an illusion that turns out to be real. Like, he was so desperate to find friends, that when he saw these boys who had managed to claim their own space, he was just like, yes, we're the same because he wanted it to be true. But I do agree that we should track his perceptiveness
BobbyJ: Why hadn't he done that before? Why was this time different? Has he always done this? Made immediate connections? How many passions has he pursued in the hopes of making permanent connections I wonder
GD: Unrelated, I saw no summer or winter terminology here in his page.
BobbyJ: Yeah, I noticed that earlier.
GD: But I do think his title is particularly interesting "I don't know". Sort of relates to wandering around with this unknown fever, and the fact that his Fever Road section is entitled Fever Road. Sort of this idea that he may be more confused than the rest of them
BobbyJ: Short tangent alert--so ages and ages ago I dreamed of writing a book called The Reinvention of Sabrina McGinty. The premise was a girl whose parents moved her all around the country for reasons I never determined and at each school, she purposefully became a different person. At one school she'd be a cheerleader, at the next she'd be a theater nerd, the next she'd be a skater chick, etc.
It makes me wonder if San is in a similar situation. Not that he's hiding his true self, but he hasn't discovered his thing. If he's wandering around in a fever, it gives me feelings of indecision, passion that has nowhere to go? Thematically, it would make sense to me if he tries on several different hats so to speak as he's desperately trying to make connections with others. So the illusion might be a regular occurrence for him?
GD: Yes, I do think that makes a lot of sense with everything we're given about his character. It's interesting seeing their ties to each other. San mentions Seonghwa and Wooyoung specifically. Yunho mentioned Hongjoong. Yeosang, Seonghwa, and Hongjoong have not mentioned anyone thus far, or any specific member, rather
BobbyJ: The ways the entries are tied in both obvious and subtle ways is interesting. I wonder why specific members seemed to be tied together and if it's significant
GD: I think it is worth tracking as we go forward. In sad news, there's no way this post is getting up tonight, but it will get posted tomorrow. Any other thoughts for the murder board or are you ready to pick your closing hymn?
BobbyJ: No, I think all my thoughts are future based. That makes so sense, but I know what I mean
GD: And I'm sure the spirit of Halazia does as well
04: Closing Hymn
GD: My hymn is Fever, which feels a little on the nose, but it is what it is
BobbyJ: Also on the nose, but Thank U
GD: I feel like when we finish this series in two years or whatever, we should come back and re-read them. I'd like another crack at crafting San's sermon; I feel like there's something more there for me to find. I guess what I'm saying is we should do this forever until the end of time
BobbyJ: We'll do an anniversary special where we revisit old sermons and conversations
GD: A better idea
BobbyJ: In our future podcast
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