[Note: This series originally started as a project on Reddit, and we are archiving the posts here on our site. You can find the original Bible Study posts here.]
Welcome to weekly Bible Study! Today we are looking at Yeosang's page. In full disclosure, I have a fever, which I thought might create a mental state that got me closer to the Truth, but I fear it mostly just made my thoughts a little foggy and hard to grasp.
Anyways, today, we are discussing Yeosang's page: Just like a midsummer night's dream.
GD: I’m turning on Halazia, the most important thing I’ll do today
BobbyJ: Official Bible Study Playlist is playing. Speaking of, I feel like we need to retroactively assign Hongjoong a hymn.
GD: Should we begin there?
BobbyJ: A nice warm up
00: What is Hongjoong’s hymn?
GD: I need to review our discussion.. see where the spirit took us
BobbyJ: I have two thoughts. Wanting his family to remember him makes me think of Eternal Sunshine. But saying he wants to be a star makes me think Star 1117
GD: Hmmm, I was thinking that his quest to be a star so people remembered him reminded me of Desire
BobbyJ: I also pondered that one
GD: Let me review some lyrics. I feel Desire is almost too dark, but there are parts of it that are perfect. Like Hongjoong and Jongho's part in the refrain:
You're shining in front of me, you're like bursting starlight A light that is engulfing my heart, oh no Oh, I'm going blind, I gotta have it somehow That's the reason why I breathe I can't take it anymore
BobbyJ: Desire does feel dark--but also a bit out of control?
GD: I am just imagining those first two lines of Hongjoong's being him watching these stars on TV and wanting it for himself–these people who have what he want. You know, I'm going with it. Even if it's not quite right. My pick for Hongjoong is Desire.
BobbyJ: Then I'm going to temper it with Eternal Sunshine. He's having fun with his friends, but there's a lurking darkness underneath it all.
01: What are your thoughts on the page?
BobbyJ: Lol--I've never noticed the line "a bunch of guys I'd normally run away from" before
GD: There are a lot of things on this page that confuse me: 1) the drone; 2) the whole last two paragraphs
BobbyJ: The last one I think I know what he's talking about. The one before that though--no clue. So many questions. We know from pt 2 diary that Yeo's father kicks them out of the warehouse somehow. I assume that he does this as a way to control Yeo. So, I've always assumed that he's talking about giving up the group in order to keep his dad from evicting them from their little utopia. What I find odd though is that no one else ever mentions this
GD: It's the "one by one, more children started to say my name"
BobbyJ: And who was the one other person?
GD: Is he talking about the rest of Ateez? or literal children?
BobbyJ: If that sentence were at the beginning of the entry, it would make sense that the more children were Ateez, but putting it at the end after he's presumably already met them all makes it a bit weird
GD: Right; I track along just fine, and then at the end I'm just like ???? Well I guess I don't track along fine. The drone is also ??? for me. Why did Ateez have a drone? Why did they stop Yeosang?
BobbyJ: I'm kind of chalking the drone up to "boys will be boys"
GD: I think in my head I've always thought the original drone belonged to Yeosang, and he was our only drone boy. But maybe there are 8 drone boys.
BobbyJ: I imagine they found it somewhere--maybe in the warehouse itself--but no one can figure out how to work it. They see a random boy walking by. Someone--we all know it was Woo--calls out and asks if he can operate it. Why dismantling mechanical contraptions equals drone operating capabilities is a little ??? but I can accept it
GD: This page reminds me of Seonghwa's with the focus on dancing=freedom. You know, it's interesting that for so many of the boys, it's dance more so than music generally.
BobbyJ: I don't think any of them mention singing specifically
GD: Yunho mentions the guitar, so musicality is implied, but not necessarily that he plays it
BobbyJ: It's interesting that Yeo mentions feeling free. I was just thinking that the strong vertical lines of the bookshelves in his photo mimic the bars of a jail cell in a way
Which I feel must have been intentional--why else would they use such a wide angle
GD: It makes sense too with the line about how his parents planned everything for him
You know, his story is not dissimilar from Seonghwa's except that his parents are playing a more active role in the planning. He's trapped by these obligations in his life, and dancing gives him freedom
BobbyJ: The diary film implies that playing the violin was his parents' dream for him. So, music has always been a part of his life. It would make sense that the wildness of dance would make him feel more free rather than just music itself.
GD: I am stuck on the second to last line. When Yeosang says, "If I back out, eveyrthing will be back to normal, the scattered members and the stolen hideout." Is he saying that if he backs out, the members can return to the hideout? The normal they would go back to is being in the hideout without him?
BobbyJ: I think so. I've always felt that he was carrying a lot of guilt for things that aren't his fault. He thinks that they split up because of his father, and by extension, him
GD: It's interesting that he considers "everything will go back to normal" as being his friends without him. Like it's normal for him to be by himself, and for others to not have to be troubled by him. And he's proved wrong, eventually, because given the chance to go back to "normal" without him, most of them refuse–though I suppose that's jumping ahead. as one does.
BobbyJ: He does feel like an outsider. It makes me wonder if he was the last to join the group. So it felt like they had always existed without him
GD: I wish these were written in a chronological order so we could know how they joined up
We know it doesn't necessarily match their real life joining up because Wooyoung brought Mingi in in the story, and in the real world, Wooyoung was the last
BobbyJ: I wonder if they ever performed for people. That would make the "children calling my name" line make more sense where it is.
GD: The children calling my name line is so weird to me. The whole end is. Like it feels as if it doesn't fit into the broader narrative.. almost like it's a completely different tone than everything else
BobbyJ: I suspect that Dear Diary was written before the pt 1 diaries and that those lines were just added in where they seemed to fit. Bc I do think that the dear diary track is not meant to be a single voice but is actually representative of them all.
GD: I wish it was in an intro or outro. It does make Yeosang seem like the main character, which.. isn't necessarily wrong
BobbyJ: Either that or that they had pulled a bit from each entry instead of just one
GD: You know, I have another question. "I was never too good with mechanics" is the first line
but that's... not true? He goes on to say that he liked to assemble and disassemble things, and it seems like he is good with mechanics?
BobbyJ: I think this is a verb tense issue. We need the past perfect--I had never been too good with mechanics
GD: mmmm yes, I see what you mean
BobbyJ: It seems that he hadn't been until he started taking them apart in order to deal with his stress
GD: that makes the next line make a lot of sense
BobbyJ: I am forgiving The Intern for this though because English verbs are insanity
GD: truly not their fault. And it would probably make sense any other day, but today, I am sick so we should blame me and not the intern
BobbyJ: I would like an explanation for the line "The path that I only walked with one another person became a path to many."
GD: Yes, I trip over it a lot. It implies another person, but I don't actually think there is another person
BobbyJ: As in, he is the another person?
GD: Hold on; I'm going to see if this is how papago translates this sentence from Korean
BobbyJ: It does feel that the translation breaks down in this entry where it really hasn't before
GD: Well, I translated the wrong sentence and took like 10 minutes. The sentence before it, according to papago is "Before I knew it, the number of children calling my name increased one by one." Which isn't dissimilar to what's in here
BobbyJ: Well that makes more sense, I think
GD: I am going to do the next one--i need to know if more information helps me understand this
BobbyJ: I'll keep meditating on truths and whatnot
GD: Well, this is much more comprehensible: "We're walking together on the path we used to walk alone"
BobbyJ: Oh
GD: Perhaps they are trying to say, "we all used to be on the same path but alone, and now we're walking on it together". In general, I like to assume that the translation KQ gives us is the translation they want us to use, but this on the path with one another sentence, does keep tripping me up. I think they're trying to say that we were all walking on the same path alone, and that path became a path to others instead of the path they intended.
BobbyJ: This is getting ahead, but it seems that San and Jongho are the only ones with no prior connection to music at all.
GD: I still feel like I'm not saying it right.
BobbyJ: To me, it's like their paths started to align when they found each other
GD: I am just thinking about the phrase "that I only walked with one another person", and I think it's trying to say that, they were walking down this same path that everyone needed to walk down--they were just living, walking without interest to the other people also on the path. And then the "became a path to many" is them almost waking up and realizing that they can get on a path together? Anyways, of note, Yeosang describes the warehouse as shabby, whereas I feel like most people described it in much more flowery terms--not shabby, but wild and free
BobbyJ: Rich boy
GD: exactly. Real quick on the pictures, his is notably in a more upscale and expensive location. He is already an insider compared to Seonghwa and Hongjoong
BobbyJ: He's extremely inside. So inside he feels he can't get out.
GD: It's almost as if Yeosang never really considers the warehouse and what they've built as his; he seems to consider it a short reprieve instead of salvation
BobbyJ: Yes--the title "Just like a midsummer night's dream" gives that feeling. This was never real for him. He knew the dream would end eventually. It's like he's been so controlled by his parents that he simply can't imagine anything permanent outside of their control
GD: In surprising news, I feel like I actually don't have much else to say on Yeosang's story? Any other thoughts before our bible practice?
BobbyJ: I feel like everything I want to say has more to do with later entries.
GD: yes, when we get to the mental murder board, I'd like to discuss more of his connections with Seonghwa.
02: Sacred Practice
Today we're doing our sacred writing practice, which means we're choosing a random line from the text, and then journaling about it for ten minutes.
"That day in that shabby warehouse, a bunch of guys I'd normally run away from, asked me if I knew how to work a drone." - Line 9
BobbyJ: Well. Okay then
GD: Yeah, I mean, here goes nothing.
*10 minutes of silent writing ensues*
BobbyJ: I have not achieved enlightenment.
GD: I've had a single thought. Do you want to share yours first this time?
BobbyJ: Yeo’s original impression of both the warehouse and the boys themselves was pretty negative. He’s a rich boy, so he’s not used to things that are dirty or unkempt. And I imagine that the boys are the sort of people his parents have told him to avoid his whole life. I get the sense that none of them are very well off–Mingi especially who we know is a bit violent and surly.
I do wonder how often we pass up opportunities because the conditions don’t seem ideal or because things don’t seem to measure up to our normal standards. Can we always tell the difference between our instincts and our prejudices? Hard to say. Obviously, if Yeo had run away because the boys didn’t seem like the right sort of people, then we’d have a very different story on our hands.
Knowing what I know about what happens later in the story, it makes me even sadder that Yeo seemed to feel like an outsider even after becoming a regular member of the group. He has no idea now as he’s just meeting this rowdy group of boys the impact he’s going to have on their lives and how instrumental he’ll be in a whole revolution fighting for the rights of people to feel and retain their memories. (Sidenote: I really adore the callback to his days of being a violinist in Guerrilla.)
I’ve already talked about what I think is happening in this scene. I can picture it quite clearly–and my headcanon will always be that Woo is the one who reaches out for help with the drone. I wonder if Yeo agrees to help because he’s interested or because he’s polite. And how did the relationship progress after that? I suppose it was the mutual love of music that kept them together in spite of their very different backgrounds.
GD: Yours made me think about one of the things I originally wanted to look at: did the boys have any choice but to help in Strictland? Interesting to think about why did Yeosang even agree to help here with that drone.
BobbyJ: Well, we know he was drawn by the music. So, he would have possibly agreed because he was curious. Or it's possible that the boys were just so winsome that he couldn't help but agree. I think I've said this before, but Woo often reminds me of a friend from college, She was the sort that you just couldn't help but be immediate friends with her. She didn't allow you to reject her friendship. Not because she was forceful but because she was charming. And I think that's maybe what happened here
GD: I think that's right too. I imagine Yeosang is very lonely, like most of them were in the beginning. It sounds like he's sheltered enough to not know that this sort of thing could really even exist
BobbyJ: Yes. And he certainly doesn't think it's really for him. He seems convinced he doesn't really have a place in this circle
GD: It sort of goes back to your question at the beginning of the writing: how many opportunities do we pass up because of these things don't meet our normal standards or comfort zone? He does join them, but he doesn't fully join them, if that makes sense. So while he stays with them and has this nice experience, he never fully commits to being there with them. "this nice experience" being, I guess, fighting in a revolution
BobbyJ: I think that his background makes him feel like an outsider. The same way a poor kid wouldn't feel like he belonged with a bunch of rich boys. There are ways Yeo can't really relate to everyone else and ways they can't relate to him--not on the surface
GD: You know, this brings up an interesting point: How many of them are hiding their true feelings here in this warehouse? We have Yeosang who feels like he doesn't really belong, Yunho who seems to not be sharing the depths of his personal trauma, we have Hongjoong who will do anything to be a star to get his family back. Seonghwa has the girl from his past, and his own quiet thoughts about gaining freedom, which doesn't seem to have much to do with the warehouse and the members
BobbyJ: In a way, each one of them is the odd man out. But it seems Yeo is the only one whose differences can't be hidden. But that also means he doesn't really have anything to hide. Not about his motivations. Also, being familiar with the rest of the diaries, I know that there are a lot of heart-to-hearts that either never happen or we never get to see
GD: A part of me hopes that we just don't see them, but they do in fact happen.
BobbyJ: I just don't think that you can properly fight a revolution if you have unresolved differences on your team. So, yes, the heart-to-hearts must be happening even though we only see the one
GD:The word shabby sticks out to me. As of now, it’s the most negative word that has been used to describe the warehouse. That’s interesting to me because in the last entry, I found myself thinking that the warehouse seemed stifling and perhaps not as full of promise as the initial pages implied. And now the terminology that is being used to describe the warehouse is matching with my changing feelings on the actual warehouse.
I think in the context of this sentence, the word shabby is giving us insight into Yeosang’s upbringing. This place–and these people–are outside of his comfort zone. There isn’t a bunch of positive tone words in this sentence, honestly. The next phrase is “a bunch of guys I’d normally run away from”, implying that the people too–not just the building–are outside of his comfort zone. I guess the question is why are the people outside of his comfort zone? Is it that he does not really talk to any people, that he runs away from everyone, focusing only on what his parents want from him? Or is there something about the Ateez members that seems particularly wild and scary to him?
I think the other entries we’ve read have really leaned into the lost boys vibes, and lost boys like wild, untamed things. They like freedom and maybe some chaos. I think lost boys would think the shabbier the better because it means it’s a place outside of adult and societal hands and control. But this sentence doesn’t give me lost boy vibes. It sort of reminds me of Wendy in Peter Pan who can see through the make believe of the rest of the boys. It’s not 100% like that, and Yeosang doesn’t necessarily follow that trajectory. But he can see that it’s shabby, and he can see that they’re wild. And he’s charmed by it a little–enough to stay for a little while–but he doesn’t consider this a place he will stay forever.
BobbyJ: It's an interesting idea that Yeo can see through the illusion of the warehouse being idyllic space. Would he have always viewed it so realistically or would it have taken on a more utopian feeling the longer he stayed? Was it the fact that he felt anchored to his parents that made him continue to see the warehouse as just exactly what it was rather than what it represented?
GD: the word illusion is interesting here. Because we have a lot of songs that sort of imply there is an illusion, and I'm thinking about the opening to the Break the Wall concerts (and the world diary) where the government says "we're doing this all for you"
BobbyJ: Yeo's parents absolutely said that to him. For sure.
GD: Right? So I guess I'm wondering, what's really the illusion? Is the illusion that the warehouse is shabby, or is the illusion that the warehouse is a magical place of freedom. And I am thinking directly about the Illusion MV now.
BobbyJ: The illusion is that it has to be one or the other
GD: Well, this goes back to our many many talks about perfection and the quest for it, right?
BobbyJ: Right
GD: A song can be perfect for one person and not for another. Perfect for one situation and not for another.
BobbyJ: Unless it is Answer, yes
GD: Or Halazia.
BobbyJ: Yes, the Twin Queens of my whole world
GD: Two perfect songs. No one is allowed to disagree. But the warehouse will mean different things to different people, and none of them are right or wrong.
BobbyJ: It also takes me back to the idea of overlooking things that aren't perfect simply because they don't measure up to our personal standards.It's clear that Yeo would have never considered friendship with the rest of the boys if they hadn't all but accosted him
GD: I'm thinking of the word cynicism… I'm not sure why
BobbyJ: Cynicism feels like a response to things that refuse to ever be perfect in our own eyes. Or rather, that things could never be perfect so why bother
GD: So, a bit of a tangent, but I'll bring it around, I promise
BobbyJ: Please do. It's been a surprisingly tangent-free day so far. Feels weird.
GD: Last night, I did a tarot reading for the end of the year, and one of my cards said that I should have a healthy cynicism, which.. I feel like I'm not a very cynical person. But as I was reading more on the card, it made me think that it's not saying I should always look for the worst, but maybe that I should temper my expectations. I do have high expectations of not just myself, but of everyone around me, and I can feel let down very easily. Yeosang is not wrong that he's not really a part of this world and that there are factors beyond his control that will pull him out of it. Perhaps him maintaining that distance is a defense mechanism, and yes, it's a little sad, but maybe it's also not wrong. Maybe he needs to to survive it. Like when we were talking last week, maybe he's not ready to go to his Han River? And maybe that's okay.
BobbyJ: This speaks to me on a deeply spiritual level. Not all of us are built in such a way that we can survive without defense mechanisms. And it makes perfect sense to me that Yeo maybe not only feels like an outsider but also maintains that position in order to preserve himself when things inevitably fall apart. Whether the writing on the wall is real or he just sees it in his head, he still sees it and prepares for the eventuality. We know that later, he reverses his position. But that's after things have changed in his world. And these are changes he had no control over. So sometimes we just need to wait for things to shift, for doors to open, before we can let down our guard.
GD: Yeah, the warehouse might have to stay shabby looking for Yeosang for now until it's safe for him to love it as the others do (though I maintain that the warehouse is problematic)
BobbyJ: I think actually, Yeo can never come to terms with the warehouse. It's not until they leave it behind that he feels he can connect to the rest of the group
GD: I wonder what he was doing getting lost in the first place
BobbyJ: I wondered that too
GD: Why was he out walking an unknown path being who he is?
BobbyJ: Seems odd bc he says he's so strictly controlled
GD: It adds a different layer to this story if he had already run away
BobbyJ: I get the sense that it was a temporary escape. But still a break in his routine
GD: I find it infuriating that I don't have a kdrama that shows the scheming of Yeosang's parents while these lost boys practice dancing and music
BobbyJ: It's interesting that Yeo says he pictures his parents "worried" faces. Not angry--worried. As though they really do think what they're doing is best. Though I wonder if perhaps that's his illusion
GD: Isn't that the illusion of all parents who decide what they're child will be when they grow up? Often the parents do think they're doing what's best. They rarely ever are
BobbyJ: I think it's interesting that at this point, Yeo believes it's true. He believes that their decisions are coming from a place of love. When in reality, it feels more like manipulation
GD: I think all children want to believe the best in their parents. They want to believe that their parents love them and are only doing what they think is best; it's human nature. My son is 8, and sometimes, we will have these conversations, and I'll just think, "ah, he doesn't know." I remember one time we were talking about whether one of his classmates was lonely, and he said something like "How can he be lonely if he has a mom?"
BobbyJ: That is both precious and distressing
GD: So I guess it makes sense to me that Yeosang would still believe his parents are doing this only because they think it's what's best for him despite evidence to the contrary
BobbyJ: I wonder then what makes him change his mind later. But that's probably a discussion for pt. 2
03: Mental Murder Board
GD: Okay; Yeosang's "from that day on, I went there every day" really reminded me of Seonghwa and the girl
BobbyJ: They're the same but also different. But they both, after that inciting incident, get completely swept up. It reminds me of me discovering Ateez. There was no gradual change. I went from just testing the water to being fully engulfed
GD: Relatable. "Let me just figure out the member's names" are very common last words
BobbyJ: Or first words depending on your perspective
GD: It reminds me of the idea of "the world broke along the snowy road"
BobbyJ: But I do feel that there's a bit of difference in that Hwa did not find what he was looking for at that convenience store. Did Yeo find what he needed in the warehouse?
GD: I don't think we know enough yet to say. Probably, but that's not clear from this page
BobbyJ: He comes everyday knowing that one day will be his last. If what he needs is in the warehouse, he's not ready to accept it
GD: Right--I guess my thought is that he does find what he's looking for, but he still can't claim it
BobbyJ: Takes me back to the idea of the prison bars. He's still trapped in many ways. He knows he's not free
GD: You do get the sense that Hwa has broken out of his prison, though he isn't entirely sure what to do with that--he's still waiting, whereas Yeo sees what's on the other side of the prison bars and can't figure out how to claim it. One is standing inside the prison, seeing what he wants, the other is standing outside the prison, still unsure
BobbyJ: Like, the door to his cage is open but he's not sure what he's supposed to do now
GD: Yeah, Hwa is very clear that he has made a choice to be different. He just doesn't know how to do it. But one is an active choice, and the other is more just being carried along for the ride for a bit
BobbyJ: Yes, exactly. Yeo is very passive in part 1. Likely because all his decisions have been made for him his whole life
GD: I don't see any winter or summer terminology here. Even where they could use it with the fast heart beat, they don't seem to use any heat terminology
BobbyJ: Well, summer--in the title
GD: Oh, yes. I keep forgetting about the title.
BobbyJ: I like how they seem to be tying each boy together in subtle ways. Hongjoong and Yeo both have references to heat/summer. Hwa and Yunho to winter/cold. HJ and Yunho both struggling with missing family. Hwa and Yeo with feeling trapped by expectations.
GD: Yes, a good catch. I feel like the diaries are cleverer than they sometimes get credit for. Especially some of the terminology used in this first book... we're seeing the fruits of it in their more recent releases. Even just the fact that Yeosang was fixing a speaker, and then how critical the speakers are in Guerrilla
BobbyJ: The hot/cold; sunshine/snow imagery is quite prevalent in their mvs as well
GD: Oh, I just realized that "I actually was lost and wandering around" is not dissimilar to "wandering around with this unknown fever"
BobbyJ: Our second connection to epilogue
GD: there's also a lot of red/blue imagery, which... I wonder if we should look into different interpretations for that. I always thought they perhaps just represented ateez and hala, but maybe we should look more into whether red could be connected to summer and blue to winter, and what those colors might be saying as related to the winter/summer terminology we're seeing in the diaries
BobbyJ: I feel like perhaps it's more conceptual. Like, red is passion, blue is. . . something that can also be represented by water. We see fire in Wonderland, Fireworks, Halazia
GD: Inception, Illusion
BobbyJ: Water in Answer, Wave, Deja Vu. I wonder if there's a two sides of the same coin thing happening here
GD: I feel like I need to watch Answer, but I also will wait
BobbyJ: Everyone needs to watch Answer all the time, that's not unusual
GD: In the Answer album book, each boy has a little prop. One of them has a goblet and one has a candelabra, right?
BobbyJ: Let me check
GD: I haven't spent enough time playing with the answer album book, I guess
BobbyJ: A prop list:
Hongjoong: A wand? or Conductor's baton?
Hwa: A candelabra or a teacup (HalaHwa has no teacup)
Yunho: A compass, which he is trying to eat
Yeo: a goblet (wine glass which is empty) HalaYeo has a pocket watch
San: Opera glasses/binoculars, also an empty goblet
Mingi: Walkie-talkie/radio (sometimes on a plate, sometimes in a glass bowl)
Woo: Cromer
Jongho: Spyglass; is also trying to eat it or cut it up
GD: My sweet 2ho. Perhaps they didn't understand the prompt
BobbyJ: Jongho doesn't need prompts: prompts need Jongho
GD: Well, I'm not sure where we wanted to go with those props, but perhaps going forward we can try to see if any prop symbolism is worked into the boys pages
BobbyJ: I had a thought but I'm not sure about it. Needs more rumination. Something about what the props might mean symbolically
GD: Perhaps we've achieved our first bible study homework: consider these props. We should decide on our closing hymn because I think I've reached a fever induced delirium.
Part 4: The Closing Hymn
GD: The words of Yoesang's "hearts tingling like they're about to burst" reminds me of desire but I literally just assigned it to Hongjoong. Besides, the rest of it doesn't. So I need a think.
BobbyJ: I'm picking My Way. Not because that's where Yeo is, but where I want him to be.
GD: Have we picked Turbulence yet?
BobbyJ: No
GD: I think Turbulence is my choice. He's going to go on a journey of figuring out who he will become at the end of this road; and I hope he can be himself
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