[Note: This series originally started as a project on Reddit, and we are archiving the posts here on our site. You can find the original Bible Study posts here.]
We are back with Part 2 of our discussion of the Fever Part 1 Diary Book Outro (aka Bible #1). If you haven't read Part Part 1, it may not be necessary, but it's linked here just in case.
We meant to immediately pick right back up by starting the sacred practice part of the bible study, but as is often the case, we got derailed.
01b: brief detour
GD: I feel unprepared despite being prepared, like I've forgotten the whole entry. Let me review the text, and then I'll give us our line to work with.
Hold on. "Made it disappear at the end of our feet"
BobbyJ: The image i'm getting is like when the noonday sun is straight overhead and there are no shadows
GD: From say my name: were together from the tip of the toe, say my name. I know this is referencing their foot cheer thing but also I'm imagining the imagery of walking on the same path together, their feet pointed in the same direction. So the feet/foot representing that they all wanted the same thing--it's an expression of their togetherness
BobbyJ: But the path has disappeared now
GD: That is quite powerful to me. I'll say it again--these diaries are incredible. Underrated.
BobbyJ: Reminds me of Turbulence. This idea of "who am I going to be" and "how am I going to get where I'm going" are questions you would have if your path disappears and you can't see a way forward
GD: I'm thinking of this line: Impatience made a turbulence and it distorted us. Impatience to achieve these dreams? distorted them from their goal of doing it together?
BobbyJ: That doesn't feel true for all of them though
GD: You know that I feel the epilogue MVs are prequels, but I don't feel like we know enough about the time when they were apart. I can imagine the impatience made a turbulence applying to many of them--just in different ways, but it would be an imagining because we just don't really know what they were up to in their time away.
BobbyJ: There's just so much we don't know about literally everything
GD: Yes. Okay, shall I get us a line?
BobbyJ: Yes
02: sacred practice
Today, we did the 4 part reading practice where we pick a line from the text and ask 4 questions related to it. We worked with Line 15.
"You lost your dream not because of the tough reality, but because you guys decided to."
GD: A fertile line, I feel. Okay first, what is happening at the narrative level?
BobbyJ: Hongjoong has fallen asleep in the warehouse after the break up. Halajoong visits him in his dreams and admonishes him
GD: I don't know how important this is, but you know, we know that it's Hongjoong as halajoong. But Hongjoong just says that the eyes are familiar and tired--he doesn't know that the person he's talking to is an alt version of himself
BobbyJ: That knowledge might have been too much for him at this point
GD: So, the next question, what is happening at a metaphorical/allegorical level? Which is basically what does this remind you of in other literature, media, and within the rest of Ateez's lore. My first thought was of Illusion, and I'm not sure why. Because Illusion is like the bad part of dreaming? The refusal to see reality and sort of playing life away? I'm wondering if it's some sort of idea that perhaps some of them felt that their dreams were an illusion? Obviously dream motifs very big in Ateez lore
BobbyJ: I wonder, too, if you could interpret it as the "real world" is the Illusion. With Halateez, in this case Halajoong, leading them out of the dream. It's like Halajoong is metaphorically telling Hongjoong to open his eyes to a much bigger reality
GD: Right. And the word lost is also sticking out to me?
BobbyJ: I think Lost Boys immediately
GD: Mmmmm yes. The idea that what's lost can be found seems important to me too
BobbyJ: I have to look up our old Peter Pan book club bc I feel like we may have talked about something relevant
GD: We talked about something relevant? What an exciting change
BobbyJ: Well, no, not really. I was misremembering. We sort of begin to touch on the concept of childishness vs adulthood but it doesn't go where I thought it did.
GD: Yes, that sounds right. So, at one point, I started reading Jung's like collected work, and he sort of started the idea of the Peter Pan syndrome--about this idea of a refusal to face reality. This is almost the opposite of that? Like you looked at 'reality' but you were wrong?
BobbyJ: There's a loose thought in my brain--something about how them letting go of their dreams was the truly childish thing to do even though people typically think of childishness as being too. . . what's the word. . . optimistic? Idealistic?
GD: Ah, we are thinking down the same path. Excellent. We can arrive there together; feet pointed in the same direction, as the intern would say if she was writing the story of our bible study
BobbyJ: New ultimate goal unlocked: Host the Intern on the Bible Study Podcast. Can you even imagine?
GD: I believe we will both need to double the fuck down on our Korean lessons
BobbyJ: Maybe you should put me in your Duolingo family plan after all
GD: I will add you with haste, once bible study is over of course. Anyways, yes, the idea that 'growing up' is a good thing seems to be in question here.
BobbyJ: Maybe not whether it's good or bad--but more like it's not what you think
GD: Right, ultimately good vs bad is a question of degrees and perspectives
BobbyJ: Like we've been told all these years what being adult means--but it turns out that was childishness talking
GD: Like, isn't it childish to think that one is good and one is bad? Isn't seeing in black and white perhaps one of the most childish types of thinking?
BobbyJ: Yes, because children can't comprehend nuance
GD: To be an adult, you have to be this. If you do this, you are a child. But--that's not right. I have a vague idea about revolutions. Something like, it's revolutionary to question the status quo. So they're going back to Strictland to fight a literal revolution and rebellion. But, aren't they also rebelling against what society has always told them it means to be a functioning person in the world? This is a very millennial story and theme, and perhaps that's why I relate to it so much
BobbyJ: The Intern is one of us. But also it's a universal theme
GD: Eden is a millennial if I remember correctly. I remember looking him up once and being like "oh, no wonder his stuff speaks to me, we're the same age and probably grew up listening to the same things"
Yes, he was born in 88
BobbyJ: You know, I really don't think there was any real reason for Ateez to split up because as difficult as a lot of their problems were, they weren't impossible to overcome. Even if Yeo's father really did bar them from entering the warehouse somehow--which seems debatable--it's not like they couldn't find a different meeting spot. My point being that it's very childish to give up on something the moment it becomes difficult. And I think that's why Halajoong comes off to me as frustrated. They are, like children, so fixated on the small problem that they can't see the bigger picture
GD: Right, I do think that's what they're trying to convey too. I do think there's sort of an underlying idea that they believed they were breaking up because 'all illusions have to end, we must grow out of our childhood' but the choice to 'act like an adult' was the thing that was childish because they were just doing what other people wanted them to do
BobbyJ: I feel like we're missing an important moment in Ateez's story
GD: This applies for some of them, at least--there's of course more nuance to that in each individual story. Like, Mingi--I don't know. Him leaving to take care of his family? idk that doesn't feel childish. But then Yeosang leaving because of his family comes off as very childish.
Oh no they're live lol
BobbyJ: The thing is, we don't know about Mingi's grandmother until the end of the story
[Bible study becomes temporarily derailed by a SanGi live.]
GD: Our third question is: what does this remind you of in your own life?
BobbyJ: I feel like being an adult is a balancing act between enjoying your present and preparing for your future. I very much put too much emphasis on being ready for and worrying about the future to the point that it's a struggle for me to let go and enjoy things in the present. Nobody thinks about Ateez enlisting and their resulting hiatus more than I do. Even while I'm joyfully collecting pcs, I'm thinking "what am I going to do with these 10, 20 years from now?" The "adult" thing would be to let go of these "childish" pursuits and focus on making more money, growing my 401k, investing, having children so I have someone to look after me when I'm 92 and can't remember how to operate an oven. I think perhaps one of the reasons Ateez split up was they weren't sure how sustainable their group was in the long run. But I think that sometimes, things that don't feel sustainable still are worthwhile
GD: It's funny because I was thinking of my son and the way he looks at the world. Good or bad. Hard or easy. One of the consistent struggles we have is getting him to do hard things. If it takes effort, he wants to be done with it. Like, he's wonderfully imaginative and creative, but he has dyslexia and dysgraphia so he struggles to write--like the act of writing itself is very, very hard for him. So when we help him with his homework, we will ask him a question, and he'll give us this big, wonderful and thoughtful answer. Then we tell him okay now write it down, and he will instead summarize it into two words that miss all of the soul of his original answer and it sort of reminds me of this--like, it was hard, so you just stopped. And then you lost the whole soul of the thing.
BobbyJ: So often when I'm doing writing conferences, I'll have the kids just explain their thoughts to me. And it's the same thing--they have all these excellent thoughts, but there's something that keeps them from being able to put them on paper. So they just don't.
GD: I think there's something in here about the idea that it may be hard, but it gets easier if you keep doing it. I think that's true in life, but I think it's true in relationships too. Like, had they fully committed, it would've been very, very hard, right? Working together to achieve a thing when they are all starting from different places. But the more they work together, the more they can rely on all of them being fully committed, it does get easier. And I think it would probably get easier exponentially because being with the others, and being able to rely on them for support or help, makes a very true difference down the line.
BobbyJ: I think on some level they truly believed they were committed. But as soon as they were tested they fell apart. I'm wondering if somewhere down the line, whether in The World or a future era, they will be tested once again and this time be victorious. But now that I've said that, I wonder if Yeo being captured or Yunho wanting to stay with his brother were meant to be tests as well.
GD: I would argue if those were tests, they didn't truly choose each other still. But in fairness, I don't think I would've made a different choice than Yunho. Like, I guess I struggle with that because I think Yunho really didn't have a choice--he did the only thing he could, which was stay with his brother
I can't wait until we get to the later diaries. I hope they illuminate some of the other things we've been talking about.
BobbyJ: It feels very unfair to make him choose between his actual family and his found family
GD: Especially when his actual brother was his motivation from the beginning. That, I suppose, feels like Yunho's false victory? The midpoint of Yunho's specific story
BobbyJ: It will be interesting to re-read the rest of the diaries through the lens of everything we've unearthed in part 1. I've always felt the rest of the diaries were a bit shallow compared to this first one. I feel confident I will be proven wrong, as I so often am
GD: I love being proved wrong. Shall we answer our last question? What is this inviting you to do in your own life?
I feel like in many ways we sort of touched on that, but specifically, I think it's inviting me to be a little more mindful about why I'm doing the things I'm doing. Am I doing them because someone (perhaps society) told me they're the right things to be doing? Or am I doing them because they are in furtherance of the life I truly want? And I think, for the most part, a lot of things I choose to do are the second thing--furtherance of what I want--but I feel like it never hurts to be more mindful to make sure that's true
BobbyJ: Over the past few years, I've focused on being more present and less fretful about the future. So, that's an ongoing process. And related, not abandoning a path just because I can't see too far ahead of my feet. All I need is enough light and clarity for the next step.
GD: I like that. The immediate future is a thing worth striving for. You mentioned PCs a minute ago, and I had this sudden like internal calamity about what my PC collection would mean when ATEEZ goes to the military and then I had to be like... it will mean I have a lovely PC collection that I worked hard to curate and makes me happy when I look through it. What am I talking about?
BobbyJ: Were you having intrusive capitalist thoughts?
GD: No one can escape the clutches of capitalism
BobbyJ: We all have the stink on us. Truthfully, enlistment does make me panic for several reasons. If I want to start an Ateez podcast, then I better get to it, you know? But I've also never been one to rush into things. And so the two sides of my nature are at war all the time.
GD: I rush into everything and seldom give very big thoughts to what the future holds, and perhaps that's why we will make good co-podcasters. I arguably should be worried about enlistment and the future of Ateez because currently a large portion of my livelihood comes from making Ateez things. But it is still not a thing I can bring myself to worry about. I don't know if it's denial? False confidence? Faith?
BobbyJ: No. Not worried. Mindful maybe. But never worried.
GD: I think I am mindful of it, perhaps, and that's why I try to enjoy it. I guess I know that there is a time when it won't be like this, and so I should live it to the fullest now while it is like this. There will be a time when I can't go to 9 ATEEZ concerts a year, so while I can, shouldn't I?
BobbyJ: That is the mindset I'm working very consistently to adopt. And as a compulsive worrier, it is a struggle
GD: That's very fair. But you know, I'm convinced we can still have our ATEEZ podcast during enlistment and beyond like those people who have podcasts about movies from the 80's. Instead of a podcast about something currently happening, it will be our nostalgia cast.
BobbyJ: I feel like Atinyville might finally be peaceful then. Since the drama-seekers will have gone to find another active group to ruin
GD: Pray their gaze doesn't fall to xikers
BobbyJ: It probably will
04: mental murder board
GD: I'm not even sure if we should attempt the mental murder board with the hours/days this spanned. Like, I don't know how to connect the things we discussed last week. But do you have anything for the mental murder board?
BobbyJ: The prominent MMB thought I have is what I said earlier--I want to focus on viewing the future diaries through the lens of what we've discovered about the characters so far. My goal is to have been very wrong about the future diaries. I know that a lot of the entries become far more narrative and less character driven--but I think there is nuance to uncover
GD: Excellent. Yes, I want to use these to think about character motivation. What is each fighting for? And are we seeing a change in that thing?
05: closing
GD: I feel a lot of pressure for the closing hymn. Should we close out the whole of this diary with it or should we focus on the outro?
BobbyJ: Maybe both?
GD: I'm going to need a think.. as always
BobbyJ: I have two hymns in mind that I think focus more on where we are narratively rather than pt. 1 as a whole
GD: I'm going to consider the outro first, and then try to wrap this whole diary up.
BobbyJ: Maybe you do one and then I the other? So we're not picking four hymns?
GD: Yes, let’s each do one. I'll do one for the outro
BobbyJ: I can't believe we didn't talk about The Matrix
GD: The Matrix. I have lots of Matrix thoughts but none particularly coherent or well formed. You know my husbands theory is that they're in a matrix simulation
BobbyJ: A theory which I am actively ignoring--But the idea that Neo thought he was in a real world that wasn't all that real. That he had to be transported somewhere new to open his eyes. Because I have chosen my final hymn and it plays off of that idea of opening your eyes to truth--not realizing that you were living a half life before but now you're free. My hymn is Sector 1
GD: Ahhh, a good choice. I need help: have we chosen Fever before?
BobbyJ: Yes, you chose that for San
GD: I hate myself. Okay. With U. Has that also already been chosen? I'm concerned I'm running out of Ateez songs
BobbyJ: No
GD: Okay, With U
BobbyJ: Perhaps in future entries, we should just agree or alternate
GD: I think that may be for the best. I do feel like With U is good here because Hongjoong's loneliness feels very present, and I think he is left with memories of them together that makes him feel more lonely. With U is what he'd say to the rest of Ateez if they came back to him
BobbyJ: Also quite the jarring mood switch up from With U to Sector 1--but that's fitting bc it's literally what happens in the story. We go straight from nap time to being attacked by guardians
GD: It is the start of the internal revolution, which is internal and then explosively external. I think it works. What will our closing prayer be with the whole group together like this?
Oh nvm, I know. But first, what do we think they need?
BobbyJ: Hope and tenacity; that they CAN stay together and they MUST stay together
GD: 8 makes
BobbyJ: 1 team
GD: Be the light
BobbyJ: Halazia
And that’s it for Diary Book 1! Let us know what enlightenment you’ve found through slowly and deeply reading the first diary. Do you feel like you understand the characters better? Worse? Nothing at all?
We may or may not be back next week with bible study part 2 since this bible study is mostly guided by whims and chaos. We’re considering a blog. We also, at some point, will post a special Halazia bible study.
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