[Note: This series originally started as a project on Reddit. You can find an explanation of what Bible Study is all about here.]
While we normally post our Bible Studies on Sunday, tonight, we offer you a special Christmas candlelight service of our favorite weekly lore time! (by which I mean that I was unable to post before this and didn't have time to schedule it.) Anyways! Today, we take a look at San's page, which as always, offers us a deep contemplation on the world of Z.
GD: I am opening this diary
Ah a san page
That's nice
Bobby: It's been so long I'm not even sure how to begin
This Jongho reel just fixed my whole brain
Hold on there's book drama I need to figure out
GD: I have also watched this beautiful gift Jongho has given us
I love that he's just out here proving to atiny that he is in fact fun and cool and they can just
deal with it
Bobby: I suppose my takeaway here is that it's maybe a relief (?) that the book community is just as insane as the kpop community
GD: I think the only difference is the like.. I don't even know how to say it, so nevermind
But something to do with how the book community doesn't really need the book community in the same way that the kpop groups need their fans
Like, I'm still going to buy whatever books I want to read, and the community helps me find those books. But kpop is too niche to have it come across someone's radar without the community pushing it
Maybe
Anyways, let me read San's page and then try to remember how we do this
Bobby: My bible is very thick and heavy now. If we continue with diaries in future series I'm going to need to start a new binder
GD: An old and new testament
Bobby: Lol
GD: San's page is short, but has a lot of meat
Bobby: Okay. Playlist is on but I am a mess today
Going to be a great bible study
GD: Be the light
Bobby: Halazia
01: where are we in the story thus far?
Bobby: So, the boys have broken into the gallery under the cover of the smoke that the guardians are drunk on.
They see Halateez in the glass case and have a chat, put their hands on the glass, and Halateez somehow transfer their suits to Ateez
02: thoughts on the page
Bobby: We'd sort of theorized that the smoke was an unintentional side effect of burning the memories but I'm not so sure any more?
GD: I think it could be both
Like, they didn't know it would happen and also now that they do, recreation for the android guardians
I just don't think there's any way they want the actual citizens drunk on this stuff.
This really reminds me of Fahrenheit 451
Bobby: It feels opposed to Z's whole regime though
GD: In 451, there is this part at the beginning where Montag's wife insists she's so happy and doesn't have to worry about anything, but then she overdoses on sleeping pills
and after the overdose, she has stomach pumped, and you learn that it's not the first time
and everyone is just like "yes, everyone is happy and good and this is all normal"
but, like, this is a society where people regularly overdose on their pills and have to have their stomach pumped. So how good are things really?
Bobby: I think we talked about this before, but it reminds me of Dr. John. He can't feel pain so he has to be super vigilant about his health. Because pain isn't the problem in itself, it's the warning flag that there is a problem. So, if you can't feel emotions, or your emotions are severely repressed, that doesn't mean that you aren't depressed and suffering
Like, the problems are still there even if you can't feel them
I am still stuck on androids getting drunk
I don't know how to process it
I started following you on twitter. You're welcome
GD: I think that's very interesting. Like that feeling our emotions lets us know we're going through a thing.. not that we're going through a thing because we feel our emotions.
And in fairness, we know that repressing our emotions and denial are like very bad things long term. It always explodes out somewhere in some way
And thank you. I need the precious follows.
Bobby: I'm here for the hot takes
It's like, when you go through something very terrible and you just feel kind of numb because it's all too much to process? That doesn't mean you aren't feeling the effects of the thing. You're not fine just because you feel nothing
GD: I've become very fascinated by the idea of your memories being The Thing that leads to your emotions
If you don't have the memories of love, you can't be sad when the love is gone *so the theory goes
But it sort of reminds me of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind--where they get rid of the memories of love, but then somehow, the people fall in love again almost every time
Bobby: It's been ages since I've watched that.
GD: I watched it around the time Eternal Sunshine the song came out
Bobby: Like a proper clowntiny
You know you hear those stories about people who lose their memories and still fall in love with the person they were with before
GD: I was thinking about this yesterday because I was in the town where my parents live
And when I was 17, so like, almost 20 years ago, I was in a really bad car accident at this intersection down the street from their house
It was one of my first times driving, and I had very severe ptsd afterwards. I couldn't get behind the wheel without having a panic attack, etc.
I think I was almost 20 before I could really drive again
And obviously, I drive almost every single day now
And I don't think I ever think about that wreck really. But I needed to go a different way yesterday, so I drove through that intersection for probably the first time in years, and the whole time, I thought about that wreck
Like, I could remember every single detail of it as if it was ingrained inside me
and I'm not sure I have a point, but if I do, it's something like there are some memories I think really do change who you are as a person, and even if you forget the memory, it doesn't change the change that happened?
Falling in love would be a memory like that.
Losing a child
Even happiness with friends
Bobby: I've been researching
As one does
So in reality, we never really lose our memories, just our ability to retrieve them
Like losing something in a packed storage closet. It's in there somewhere, we just don't know where
However, in Strictland, they are completely removing the memory and turning it into a physical object
GD: That makes sense. I think our personalities are a product of our experiences among other things. And what are experiences if not memories?
I'm thinking about phantom limb syndrome, I think it's called?
Bobby: Yes. I've experienced something similar when I cut my hair short, lol
Like I could still physically feel my long hair even though it was gone
GD: I feel like even if you removed the memory, you would feel like it was still there. Or that... something was there. Maybe even worse, you'd feel like something important was missing
Bobby: I'm not sure how memories are stored--like do they take up physical space?
Yes
from reddit:
“Interesting question. Prion proteins have been implicated in long term potentiation — so yes, memory does consume physical space in neurons. Anatomical rearrangement of synaptic junctions also consume space, and the strengthening of these junctions also consume more space than they would otherwise”
So, if you did remove a memory physically, there would be a literal space left behind
GD: It's interesting that my feeling was that there are some memories that get carved into your dna, and in fact, the memories do really get carved into you somewhere
Doesn't mean anything, but makes me feel like I was sort of right, and that's nice
Bobby: If you think about it, very little of our lives are actually lived in the present
the vast majority of our lives are memories
GD: The line
"The memories were the source to live and hope"
Because I think it's sort of true that we live for our memories. Even things we do in the present are often about capturing memories
But also, my memories of my parents are what make me want to go visit my parents and help out as much as I can? And I'm sure it goes deeper than that too. Like, why we are motivated to do certain things has a lot to do with the memories we have
Bobby: Well yeah--people who are strangers are just people we have no memories with
The people we're closest to are those we've banked a lot of good memories with
Or maybe it's not necessarily about being good memories but just in quantity
GD: Do you remember one of the first teasers we got for will?
Bobby: Like the very first one?
GD: It was like Historia, Amistad, and Estrella
it was never really explained or never really went anywhere.. but history and friendship reminds me of this conversation we're having right now.
Bobby: I do feel this cycle of promotions has a lot of loose ends. I still don't feel like Mito was fully explained or justified
GD: Perhaps it will be in the short epilogue they will throw out at the end of February
Bobby: It will feel like the inexplicable animations that follow the xikers comebacks
GD: I feel like some of it has to be determined on a 'dreamscape' level
Now that we know going into people's dreams is a literal thing they're doing
Bobby: Is it?
Are we really sure?
Because it doesn't happen in the diaries
GD: Unless I'm just supposed to throw the MAMA performance away
Bobby: It's also not referenced in the Crazy Form mv outside of the suggestion that maybe this is all a dream
So I don't know what we're supposed to do with it
GD: Well, a lot of questions, but I guess that's getting off track a little bit
Do we have any other thoughts on this page?
I do feel like it tells us a lot about San
Bobby: He gets mad
Never for himself, but for other people
Strangers he's never met
GD: I feel a lot of the pages in this diary have been from a boy’s perspective but really just a means to tell the story
This one feels more personal to San
I think that San has never had a chance to stay in a place for long, which gives him some extra feelings related to people's memories being taken away. Both that he's been deprived the opportunity of making deep meaningful memories, and that sometimes his memories are all he has--like I feel those two things are at play with his anger
Bobby: Yes. As someone who also moved around a lot growing up, I was always envious of people with deep roots
And I think it's telling that San's reaction to moving that we see in the first diary isn't anger. Even though he's well within his rights to be angry. There were definitely times when my response to moving again was anger.
So it tells us a lot about him that what makes him angry isn't about him but about other people
Like, as much as I hate the "San ALWAYS sacrifices himself" narrative, it's not based on nothing
He is incredibly selfless
GD: I feel like I have a thought that's just on the edge of my brain
But it's not here
Any other thoughts on the page?
Bobby: No, I think it's time for praise and prayer
03: praise and prayer
Bobby: A tough moment for praises
GD: Well, mine is going to be incredibly selfish and personalized only to me. But it is what it is.
My praise is that Jongho seemed genuinely happy when he saw the picture of my other friends who bias him, and that made me really happy that Jongho could know there are other people out there who love him.
That happy moment has and will get me through this week
And that's really all I have
Bobby: But isn't it enough though?
GD: It is. But it's sad it can't be enjoyed by the broader public.
Bobby: Perhaps but that's not your job
I know that the conceit of this exercise it to pick something recent and specific
But I don't really have anything recent and specific that comes to mind because there's been so much nonsense
I feel like everything that I'd pick comes with a bit of shadow. Like I was thinking how happy I am that Jongho is doing so well but then it reminds me that Wooyoung's been having some issues
I was also thinking about how we know the unit songs will be performed on tour and how great that is, but I am weirdly so stressed about tour
GD: It's easy to be stressed about the tour even if that feels sort of silly
But like, we all want good seats, and we know it'll cost money, and there's the excitement of it, but also a bit of fear because they haven't given us dates or locations
So easy to be stressed
Bobby: Okay, I'm officially going with two things
I've been listening to the bible study playlist and I love that Ateez's music is timeless for me. I get just as much joy listening to DLBW now that I did the first time. Arguably more.
For my actual timely thing, I'm pleased that Jongho gets to show off all his different sides because he's not a one dimensional character from a fictional story. He's a real live person who exists
GD: Jongho makes the world a better place.
I could just say "Jongho" each week
Bobby: I still can't believe he was just gone for over a month and we just kept living
So weird
GD: I don't know how we did it
Be the light
Bobby: Halazia
We will be back next week to further delve into San's page with our sacred practice. Let us know what you think about San's reactions to the memories or your thoughts on how the memory removal works!
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