[This post originally appeared on Reddit after I attended the Hamilton concert, and it is being uploaded here for archival purposes. You can read the original post and comments here.]
Last weekend, on my 35th birthday, I found myself in a place I never expected to be: Canada. I’ve never had aspirations to go to Canada, which isn’t a dig at Canada as much as an acknowledgment that there are many places to visit in this wide world and that I notoriously overlook very cool things.
So I found myself in Canada, at the Niagara Falls Power Station gift shop, standing next to my amazing husband, one day after watching ATEEZ perform in Hamilton, and I was looking out the window as the water rushed by just utterly amazed. It was as if I transcended time and space, my body all warm and tingly. And I just started crying, thinking about how I literally would not be in this moment, experiencing this beautiful thing, if it wasn’t for ATEEZ.
Since then, I’ve had a lot of thoughts about ATEEZ, their concerts, and their place in my life, and while I considered just keeping them to myself, I decided I actually do want to share them for a variety of reasons, but mostly because lately I have felt somewhat lonely within the fandom, and if on the off chance there is anyone else that feels that way, I wanted to share my thoughts as a way to say that you’re not alone.
While this post is about ATEEZ and their concerts, it won’t be a review of their concerts. A review implies that I will talk about the good and the bad things or offer up some sort of critique, and I genuinely have nothing to say in that regard. As far as I’m concerned, their concerts are a transcendent artistic experience where they have an opportunity to show who they are as artists, and the only thing I can say about them is that to me, the shows are perfect in every way.
My friends know that I saw ATEEZ in concert 9 times this year (3 times during Beginning of the End and 6 times during Break the Wall). This isn’t something that I’ve actively advertised or shared, and I’ve told myself it’s because I was worried about what people might say about me, my life choices, or whatever. I’m also aware that not everyone is as lucky as I am, and so it can feel weird to talk about it.
But truthfully, those aren’t the only reasons I have pulled back from engaging and talking about things in a way that is true and authentic for me. The concerts were a lovely excuse–because I was understandably busy, I was traveling, I was distracted–but the truth is that for a variety of reasons, for a while now, I have felt tired and lonely within the fandom.
I came to kpop during the pandemic like so many people because kpop offered me a joy that was literally impossible to find in any other aspect of my life. It opened up a world of new people, of new experiences, and it was so much fun in a time when I needed fun. I needed joy. And while so much of the pandemic is over, a thing that remains is that I still need fun and joy and laughter and light, and those are all things that ATEEZ brings to me.
I said I can’t review ATEEZ’s concerts, but that’s actually true of all of ATEEZ’s content and output. I don’t want to offer ‘objective’ opinions about their songs and their albums and their variety content because I truly don’t have them (not that anyone has objective opinions, but that’s really a different post). I understand that there are people who listen to ATEEZ solely because they like ATEEZ’s music, and that they only listen to the songs they enjoy and that they don’t watch all of ATEEZ’s variety content. It’s a totally valid and fine way to consume music. And I understand that some people find it fun and enjoyable to critique Ateez’s art and offer their artistic criticism to the conversation. Those are totally valid and fine perspectives, but they have nothing in common with my relationship to ATEEZ or the reasons that I’m here.
And I think that’s why I have felt so lonely. It is hard to find a place where I can just… be excited about ATEEZ. I want to gush about the songs; I want to analyze what their musical choices say about their overarching story; I want to be happy and excited and engaged. But it can feel like there is always someone offering some critique about their latest release, someone claiming mistreatment of a member, someone wanting Edenary to be fired, someone insisting KQ doesn’t know what they’re doing, and the list goes on. It can just feel oppressive and at odds with all of the reasons I’m here and all the joy I have to share.
It doesn’t matter what ATEEZ song is playing: when an ATEEZ song plays, I feel a warm and fuzzy feeling in my chest. It makes me feel happy. It doesn’t matter what ATEEZ is saying: they can be speaking the exact same ments to me over and over again (which by the way, I went to 6 concerts during Break the Wall–they’re not the same ments) or doing a live in a language I don’t speak or understand, and I will smile a smile of pure contentment. I will be happy.
So, obviously, it is more than music to me. It’s, of course, also music. But it is so so so much more than my relationship to other music I listen to, and I do listen to other music. I listen to music almost every hour of the day, usually passively in the background, and for me, ATEEZ is different.
They are my thing. I’ve said before that ATEEZ didn’t save my life in the literal sense, but in very real and true ways, they have saved my life. They have given me joy when times are hard; they’ve given me motivation when I want to give up on my dreams; they’ve given me friendships that go far beyond ATEEZ. They have expanded my life in so many cool and meaningful ways that make my life better every single day. I’ve traveled because of them; I’ve started to learn a new language; I’ve tried new cuisines. My life is meaningfully better because ATEEZ is in it.
And so there have been times where I have felt very alone in my passion and excitement. And I know that part of the problem is me: because I feel isolated, I isolate myself more, not allowing myself to be authentically me in public spaces. I’ve stopped sharing my genuine thoughts and excitement, always bracing myself for how people on Reddit will react to their latest release, what hashtags will trend, in which new ways people will have to discredit their work and artistry. Instead, I’ve retreated to private messages and group chats and wondered if I should continue to have a presence in online spaces at all.
None of which to say is that everyone should like ATEEZ and that no one should ever critique them. I know that’s how others engage with music, but I just say all of this to sort of share where my head space has been prior to the Hamilton concert. I missed the magic and excitement, the fun and the laughter. Being excited about something is fun for me, and my something is ATEEZ. And it felt lonely on the internet when it felt like I had no public spaces to share that excitement.
Prior to the concerts, I had been pretty sure it was time for me to retire from online spaces. But crying my ugly, grateful tears at Niagara Falls has once again brought things into perspective for me. That Canada concert was a gift to me. An unexpected one. I had always planned to go to the west coast and south west concerts; soak in the limited time I get to see Ateez live and just enjoy it. So after the Dallas concert, I thought it was done, and I’d made my peace with it.
So when my husband said we could go to Canada for the concert as my birthday present, it really felt like a whole bonus. Another chance to be in the presence of real people that I’d met through Reddit. Another opportunity to be around other excited Atinys. And another night being in the presence and enjoying the art of these 8 men who have changed my life.
More so than the other concerts, Hamilton reminded me of all the things that make Ateez so special. Say what you will about parasocial relationships, but ATEEZ has given me way more than they’ve taken. I am a better, kinder, more understanding person due to my relationship with ATEEZ, which is as real as any of my other relationships. ATEEZ doesn’t have to personally know me for that to be true.
And it strikes me that there must be other people for which this is all true too because the world is much too vast for me to be unique. Or maybe it’s true but with a different group. Or maybe it’s true but with some YouTube streamer. Or maybe it’s true but with their religion or their sports team or anime. I guess what I’m saying is we all have something. Humans always need something bigger than themselves; it’s our need for community.
And so I thought, maybe like me, those people have also retreated into more private spaces to continue to enjoy their something in peace. But what I feel is true is that joy is meant to be shared, passion is contagious, and that it’s okay to just love something because I love it.
As an artist, ATEEZ has always been one of my greatest inspirations because of their authenticity. They are authentically committed to who they are as artists, and seeing them cry during the Hello82 video was such a beautiful moment, a reminder to keep working and striving and being me because all of that work means something. And a reminder that it’s okay to be excited. It’s okay to enjoy something purely and not worry about whether other people are enjoying it. I don’t have to be responsible for the happiness of others: I only have to be responsible for my own happiness. And being excited about ATEEZ is part of my happiness, and it’s okay to share it authentically and ignore the things that don’t bring me joy. Life is too hard and stressful to do anything else.
So I guess if I was to review my experience at ATEEZ’s concerts, I would say it was life changing. And if I was to offer up a review of ATEEZ’s music, also life changing. There is nothing I regret about seeing ATEEZ 9 times this year, and if I could, I’d do it all again.
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