Almost ten years ago, I was cancelled on the internet by the superwholocks. (Does anyone even remember the superwholocks? Is that still a thing?)
Anyways, I was cancelled on the internet for an article that I was paid dust to write. At the time, I was working for various 'major' platforms as a click bait writer and sometimes news writer.
Nowadays, that job has been basically taken over by AI, but it was a job I will never forget. It's one that I think offers me a unique perspective on some of the 'news' articles that come out mentioning ATEEZ--particularly the ones that seem like the writer didn't do any research and just said whatever. Because they probably did.
A friend of mine who was in the freelance writing trenches with me will sometimes joke about that weekend I became an expert on Star Wars Clone Wars for an article about under appreciated characters in the series. Prior to being assigned the article, I'd literally never watched an episode of the show, had no idea what the premise was, and even after being assigned the article, I'll say now that I really didn't care. It took me 3 days to basically make something publishable up, and then the website paid me $12.
The assignment that would ultimately lead to my cancellation was a click-bait list of the 'worst CGI in television shows.' I want to be so clear that this topic was assigned to me--I had no interest, background knowledge, or thoughts that made me a good choice--but my job was to be an expert in all nerd-culture shows. And once again, they paid me about $12 to research and write this list of CGI crimes.
One of the shows I chose was a particular season of Supernatural (the one with the Leviathans) and also an episode of Dr. Who, though I don't really remember which one. I thought nothing of this at the time. I just sent my completed article on its way, and then was surprised one day when it was published, and I started getting internet hate. Several people who worked on Supernatural, and specifically on the show's CGI, shared the article with their followers, who began a campaign against me. You don't realize how big a fandom is until the fandom is all gunning for you.
The hate coincided with my 27th birthday and also a massive case of the flu. So my actual response to being attacked on the internet was ignoring it while I laid in bed with a fever so bad I couldn't open my eyes.
But the experience taught me a couple of things. One, it taught me something important about how I conduct myself online. I have been on the internet since basically the birth of the internet because I'm old; so the hard lessons about not sharing too much personal information had already been learned. But this experience was different. It wasn't about something I'd done, exactly, or my private information. It was about the type of person I am in the world and the type of energy I put out.
Because truthfully, I think I was wrong to write that article. Not necessarily about the CGI of that season of Supernatural or that episode of Dr. Who, but I was wrong to make fun of something that someone else had worked hard on. And I, in my maybe 30 minutes of research, had no clue what sort of budget restraints, time restraints, or other factors the creators had worked under.
So yeah, it sucked to be attacked and sent death threats, and while I don't think death threats are ever justified, I do understand that I was the one who went low first. I put negative energy into the world, and so was it any surprise that I got negative energy back? Someone worked hard and put something they were proud of into the world, and then I turned around and said, 'yeah, but it kinda sucks.' And I did it for a paycheck.
As a fellow creator, I have always felt sorry for writing that article. It takes so much work to create something, and it takes absolutely nothing to tear it down. So more than anything, the experience taught me that I want to lift others up. I want to create content that brings joy. I want to be someone who adds something, makes people smile and feel warm, instead of someone who only focuses on the bad.
The second thing it taught me is that ignoring the hate is the absolute best possible thing that can be done when the internet is dogpiling it on you. (Thank god for a well-timed flu because when I was finally awake enough to read my notifications and respond, the hate had mostly stopped, and there was nothing to respond to.)
Which brings me to now. I have very recently (like within the last two months--sometimes it takes longer to write blog posts than I care to admit) been cancelled by atiny twitter. Though, in fairness, I'm not really sure cancelled is the correct word since I was never really on atiny Twitter nor do I care to be, but I will use the world cancelled nonetheless.
My crime this time? Posting a picture of me celebrating Eden's birthday. I could go into all the reasons why this is ridiculous (one of them being it's not even the first time I've posted this shirt on the internet), or I could justify my actions by minimizing the extent of the celebration, but I don't feel that's necessary. Because unlike with my CGI article, I don't believe I did anything wrong, so there is nothing to say to defend myself.
Truthfully, I didn't read most of the things people said about me or to me, though I can certainly guess they were full of the standard kpop rhetoric: "how dare you be old and ugly on the internet????" As if those aren't subjective things, or as if they are the worst thing a person could be. Or "how dare you have an opinion that's different from atiny?" As if I am not allowed to be my own person with my own opinions because I stan a kpop group. For the most part, I just blocked anyone if I had a notification and then moved on with my life until ultimately I turned off notifications and never checked the post again.
I have always known that I have not found my place in this fandom. But I refuse to be anybody other than myself just to please a fandom mass, and people can hate that if it's what they choose to do with their time. I've been an Eden stan before I was even an atiny, and I won't change my mind just because the fandom popular opinion is that he's the devil incarnate.
Do I wish I would've ignored all of the people quoting me and harassing me? Yeah. But I did make a comment about a few of them because honestly, I was surprised by the vitriol and extent of people who had something to say to me. (Like to the person who said San would spit on me--I feel so sorry for you that you think that's the type of person San is.)
One of the first things someone said to me was "go to hell", which I then said was crazy on my own timeline (and I honestly still think it's quite an overreaction to me celebrating a man's birthday on the official post for the man's birthday, but that's neither here nor there). And I was really done with it at that point until someone came in and said something along the lines of 'how dare you be mean to this person who told you to go to hell. They're a great atiny. What have you done for ATEEZ lately?'
I was so struck by their question, and ever since then, I've continued to think about it.
What have I done for ATEEZ lately?
To be a fan, am I required to prove my... fan-ness? Must I do a something specific for ATEEZ to call myself an atiny? What is the thing that all fans have to do?
If I wanted, I could list the hundreds of ATEEZ albums I've bought (and not as a GOM, but for me personally), the merch I've ordered, the appreciation posts I've written, the votes I've cast, the songs I've streamed, the atinys I've helped win fancalls, the freebies I've given away, the art I've created, the blog I run, the podcast I started. I could list all of those things. But none of those things are what make me an atiny.
None of that was required or necessary for me to be a fan.
I actually started writing this post a couple of weeks ago when I was on a plane from Arizona to Dallas after having seen ATEEZ perform their Towards the Light tour three times. At the time, I was halfway through the concerts I planned to see, and I'm finishing it today, a week post my last concert in Atlanta.
Coincidentally, ATEEZ has also released a collab today with G-Eazy. It is a collab I do not like. I won't be listening to it. I have never said that about an ATEEZ track--I'm a proud defender of almost all of their remixes even--and I hope to never say it again. It's not that I don't think ATEEZ did a good job on the track or that I don't want to show support for their collaborations--it's that I find G-Eazy's lyrics offensive, and so I'm not going to listen to it.
And that's all I'm going to say about it. I don't need them to pull it from the air; I don't need them to change anything. It is the first track put out by ATEEZ that I won't purchase on iTunes. I'm telling them how I feel about it with both my time and my money by focusing on streaming the other versions of work and not purchasing it. That choice doesn't make me a better or worse atiny than any other atiny. And it doesn't make me less of a fan of ATEEZ.
There is no one right way to be atiny, or fan of any group, really. Just like there is no one right way to be a person in this world. And ATEEZ doesn't expect any one thing from their fans. That's one of the most beautiful things about ATEEZ: they accept their fans as they are. ATEEZ exemplifies the humble and kindness that I want to live in my own life.
Being loud about ATEEZ on Twitter doesn't make you a better person or atiny than a person who mostly keeps to themselves. Your fandomness is not measured by how many concerts you saw or how many interactions you had at barricade. Nor is it measured by the albums you've bought or the merch collection you have.
In our first episode of HALA chat, we talked about this idea some people have that a true fan has watched all their content and knows everything about them. Guilt is a prevailing feeling within the fandom. Guilt for not having enough time or enough money or enough whatever to support ATEEZ in the way the popular mass believes you should support them. But this is supposed to be fun.
It's supposed to be joyful.
What have I done for ATEEZ lately? Who knows.
That's the really cool and wonderful part about loving ATEEZ. I don't have to do anything for them. Instead, they do something for me. They inspire me. And the fact that I love their music, support them as artists, wish all of them well, and appreciate them for who they are is what makes me an atiny.
That's what I've done for ATEEZ lately.
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